Perfectionism is a beast, ripped with muscles earned in the gym of manipulation. He is a bully. He pushes me around, knocks my books out of my hands, and calls me names. When I’ve had enough, we battle… We have knock down drag out wars. Begrudgingly, I tend to cave at his taunting. My rationale? If I let him get his way, the voices will quiet….However, they always seem to return.
Don’t get me wrong. He is not ALL bad. People are not seduced by things that are ALL bad…He is suave. Moving carefully, weaving in and out of my thoughts…. He can make me feel on top of the world, worthy of praise and valuable. He gave me a reason to work, to get up in the morning…The drive to succeed. At first you think you found your own personal coach. Cheering you on, pushing you harder, never letting you quit….
Yet, if you know him well enough, you’ve seen this player’s game…Just when you reach the top of the mountain, that moment of happiness, he whispers:
“Don’t get to comfortable.”
“Are you sure that was your best?”
“Are you going to settle for that?”
“If only …..”
The more you open up your heart and dreams to him, the more he space he consumes.
Yes, Perfectionism and I have deep roots. Years ago, I really thought he was my friend. I thought he cared for me and I let him in.
Recently, the light switch flipped and I was flooded with clarity. I realized he wasn’t working with me to obtain joy….he was stealing it. Never allowing a moment to savor without criticism tarnishing my reality.While he may have looked like my personal coach in his cute little gym shorts, he most definitely wasn’t as interested in me as much as he was in himself… He has a huge ego, Perfectionism.
I knew it was time. Time to breakup. We were no longer on the same path. I just couldn’t continue to hold his hand, knowing his real motives.
Confronting Perfectionism wasn’t easy. He begged and pleaded, showing me all the things we had accomplished together. All the things we’ve yet to do…. I couldn’t bring myself to say, “It’s not you. It’s me.” ….It was him…I knew that much.
My only option was to evict him from his comfy, rent free, residence in my head…It was ugly. He didn’t go quietly…or easily.
The ass that he is, still pops in from time to time. Most often at work when my guard is down. But now that I know his game, I can brush him off easier. The more I reject him, the less he hangs around. Maybe he’ll get the point and go away for ever….Could I get that lucky??
Beware though…I’ve heard he is on the prowl.
If you happen to see him, and he asks about me, tell him I’ve changed my number. I’m moving on….