I’m human. I’m a girl. Yessss, I’m sensative. Of course I’m emotional.
I want to be liked…If I’m being honest, I really want to be adored…and when I’m not, I feel diminished. Devalued.
I understand that not EVERYONE is going to like me. I’m okay with that. Really…. I mean, if I don’t like you, I’m perfectly okay with you not liking me. We are on even ground.
It is, what it is.
But if I like you…respect you, even…It is beyond bothersome to me if you fail to see (and adore) my awesomeness.
It happened today. It was the pits….
I went through the day feeling small…. All the while knowing I’m to BIG to feel s.m.a.l.l..
To bad they don’t sell over the counter Fix-a-Flat for the soul.
I want to write, but I’m not ready. Not ready to tell this story locked inside. Not yet.
When I have secrets, they consume me. They naw at my thoughts and dig their way into my spirit splitting me in two. One side is content with me, understanding, accepting what is–as is…The other, is completely effected. Infected…leaky, swollen, full of puss… THAT side, that infected consuming side, whispers in my ear songs of shame and guilt. The record is on constant replay. It is loud. It echos. It leaks into my daily life, questions my worth, rattles my self-esteem. I try to shake it, try to out run it…try to drown it with alcohol or sugar, or bacon. Sometimes it works…..
Normally I am an open book. What you see is what you get. I like it that way. It’s easy. More days than not, I’m happy, content, secure….Secrets take far too much out of me. I purposely try to avoid sipping their poison. I don’t do things that require secrets. I like my life simple, easy…secret free.
I know myself to well…I know that nasty girl who lives inside where it is dark and cramped. She screams insults at me. Her Rolodex of all my wrongs are right at her finger tips and glide off her tongue. She smiles at my failures with a knowing look, eyebrows raised, lips pursed… That look…that look kills me. Her bite is painful…..I don’t know her name but her voice sounds an awful lot like mine. When I’m hiding, It doesn’t feel like my skin. It feels like hers.
I’m biding my time with this story, keeping her at bay with a stick..I hear her snears..feel her pokes….but I fear the outside voices more than her’s. At least her voice is familiar….
I’m hiding…I know it. I’m choosing it.
This has been a year of growth for us…K and I. We started the year taking a boundaries class. It was insightful. It changed us more than we could imagine when we walked through the doors.
We feel healthier, stronger, more connected…and we understand each other a bit more, working through those vulnerable areas we try to hide from the rest of the world…and at times, even each other.
Now we can call IT by name. IT, defined as our messiness….We can say, “You are avoiding right now, you know this, right?” A gentle nod is all that is needed. Once spoken, those old thought patterns lose power. There is freedom in untying the knot.
*** As a disclaimer to those we love, we didn’t take the class because of marital issues. We took it because of outside boundary issues that were penetrating who we believed we were. We fully embraced the class and it strengthened our marriage. It was a positive side effect.
I’m so thankful…so thankful…to have a partner that is willing to grow with me. I know it is harder for him than it is for me. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. It is just the way we are built. I’m always looking for change, for growth, for newness. My husband looks for calm, for stillness, for more of the same. Change is difficult for him. And yet, he embraces my desire for more: the way I explore, challenge the norm and look for enlightenment. He comes along for the ride, buckled in, fingers tightly wound around the ‘oh shit’ handle, foot firm on the break… but he is in the car. He allows me to grow and is willing to grow with me.
Isn’t that the very definition of love? He does what is out of his comfort zone for me…not because he WANTS to. But because he isn’t willing to let me go it alone.
Love….I am blessed. I am thankful. I am loved.