Archive | August, 2014

Listen to me

30 Aug

“Does Anybody Hear Her” –  Lyrics by Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction ….

So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She’s another two years older
And she’s three more steps behind

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away…..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8 (For the full video)

Every single time I hear those lyrics my heart aches, a punch in the gut, my head falls to my chest. It is all to familiar.

At a luncheon last week, someone asked what advice would I give to my 16 year old self, if I could.

Since I was already pregnant at 16…my first thought was to SCREAM: DON’T DO IT!!! However, while my choice certainly altered my path, the sum of my life is much bigger than that one moment.

When I stand on a cliff, look down and flip back through my days, a theme jumps out of the monotony. Hindsight is always 20/20. . Rush, rush, rush….always in a hurry … to grow up, to hit the next mile stone…to get married…to buy a house.. to get to the next big thing…..

“Running a hundred miles per hour “

Now that I am in the last year of my 30’s I realize how silly that appears. WHAT was/is my hurry? Never satisfied I jumped from one thing to the next, thinking that would bring the satisfaction I hoped for. As a recovering perfectionist, I now know that never allowed myself to savor any accomplishment….Almost instantaneously, my thoughts would turn on me… I could have always done it better, smarter, faster…the list never ends and it was on constant replay. I was my own worst enemy.  Smiling on the outside, waging war on the inside.

So what would I tell my sixteen year old self?

To slow the hell down.

There is plenty of time for you, dear girl. Your focus should be to get it right instead of just getting it done. Enjoy where you are. Keep the negativity at bay and the rest will fall into place. It is easier than it seems.  Life doesn’t have to be so hard for it to be right.

Thankfully, one of the benefits of gray hair and fine lines is that it also comes with wisdom. This discernment is not lost on me. I am abundantly thankful to be able to reflect and review, possessing the ability and desire to refine.

Conscious that my time on this planet is more limited than before, it is my hope that my next thirty-nine years will be slower, more intentional. Don’t get me wrong. I honestly don’t have regrets. I truly love my life.  Even in the chaos, I quite like who I am, realizing it is culmination of all of my experiences. I only plan to use what I’ve learned to create the best possible, most fulfilling, future.

To make the most of ALL my days.

I am not who I was.

I am a work in progress.

I sincerely enjoy the process.

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Chats A Lot

21 Aug

"There's always something to write about. If there's not, then you need to live life more aggressively." - Min Kim #writing #quotes #inspiration

My then seven year old, energetic, bouncing ball of energy wasn’t himself when I picked him up from school that day. Head hung low, shoulders slouched, he avoided my eyes as we talked. When he finally gathered enough courage, he passed  a folded sheet of lined paper from his teacher into my hand.  It required my signature. Scanning quickly, I sighed.

Pausing between sentences, I said “T, why are you talking so much? …..   Is it because you are bored ? …..    Do you really have things on your mind that you need to say?….  Do you just want to hear noise?” My hands on my knees, I bent over to peer into those saucer sized green eyes that housed his spirit.

Sheepishly he responded, “I’ve got stuff on my mind. I need to get it out.”

Nodding knowingly, my shoulders and eyebrows rise with my inhalation.

I get that.  I respect it.

Growing up I was told that I talked to much…ALL the time. It was written on every single report card.  So much so, it made me question if I was worthy…worthy of having an opinion on any and everything, and all things in-between. My mind never stops analyzing, tweaking, working…Should I keep quiet until I’m an expert?

What followed were years where I consciously chose to temper my voice.  Internally, I was miserable, feeling severely misunderstood.

Fast forward a few years…(More like 25)….

Putzing around my home, doing absolutely nothing important, I distinctly heard in my spirit :

“I created you to speak.”

It was simplistic voice. A simple sentence. No emotion. Direct…without explanation to the meaning or the why….And, it wasn’t my own, the bossy voice I hear regularly who tells me what I should be doing.  It resonated from the pit of my soul and echoed in my ears. It was so strange that I twisted around quickly to see if someone snuck in my home and was about to attack me.

Nope. Just me. In my pajamas.

Whaaaattt???

MAJOR CONFUSION.

Whether you chose to believe in “those things” or not, is yours entirely to ponder. This is my truth. I heard what I believe is the voice of God from deep within my spirit.  Honestly, it left me more confused than comforted…and yet it was strangely freeing in that I knew, that I knew, THAT I KNEW, I needed to speak. My voice was and is important.

So what am I to speak about? Who knows. Certainly not me….not yet.

I do know that I have constant chatter in my head. In an effort to get the hamster off the wheel, I birthed this blog and named it Chats A Lot. Appropriate, I thought. This has become a place where my thoughts and my voice can run wild.

Life is complicated and wonderful. It is a culmination of all the things you decide it will be.  Sometimes who you think you are and the actions you take, are in conflict.I blog to explore those things that are complex.  To celebrate, to dissect and construct my future days. To become the person I want to be.

I blog because I secretly hope it inspires you to find your own true self. Whatever that means to YOU.  I don’t hold the definition but I hope this blog provides a window that will leave with the desire to search.

I blog because I  when it all boils down to it,  we all go through the same types of issues,  with different people and unfamiliar faces.  People tend to shy away from exposing their crazy.  I am decidedly the opposite.  I fling back the curtain in the name of growth. I hope you find encouragement here in knowing you are not alone. I, in turn, find strength when you ‘like’ or comment. It reminds ME that I’m not on a solitary journey.

I blog to find peace, for change, for growth.

I blog because I can…and…I have stuff to say.
writing quote from Joan Didion. Amen to that, I totally do this.

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Values

12 Aug

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Most people would readily say, “Yes, of course, I have values!”

If pressed to explain how you experience those core beliefs, well that is a bit more complicated.

Defining the shape of your values is said to provide harmony between your mind, body, and spirit.  The idea is, the more you align your choices with your moral compass,  the happier and more satisfied you will become.

Happier? More Satisfied?  Yes, Please! Where do I sign up?

 

VALUE – noun

1) the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.

2)a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.

 

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I’m very verbal. I communicate with ease. Yet, I found this process extremely laborious….What pained me the most is that I didn’t know why. Presented with a laundry list of key words to  get my juices flowing and construct my top six, I froze.

Deer in the headlights.

 My eyes skimmed over the pages, looking for a word to snag, as if fishing in one of those stocked fish farms. All of the words gasping at the surface for an opportunity to be chosen. If they didn’t leap out at me, why? Shouldn’t they be important too?  Pressure….

I started this assignment…several times…without headway…

Why was this so difficult.  Of course I have morals and ethics, right???

Diving deeper, I wondered what it meant to “experience values”? Was I allowing my moral compass to direct and organize my life?   Or, was it residing in a dusty file cabinet, under the dim flickering lights of a back room  that I only visited when in dire straits?….I knew they were there…but how often was I pulling them out to review? I thought I was living out loud, but maybe I wasn’t….Ah-haaaa….

Abandoning the official list,  I allowed my heart to take the lead to illustrate and craft what this all means to me.

Her voice is ALWAYS the one that speaks the loudest.

The truth is, I realized there were times that I was ALL in and others, that I simply wasn’t.  If the goal is to utilize your core beliefs in every decision, I should consult with her more often.  Investing in this relationship is imperative.  Her voice can’t be submerged by the day to day hustle and bustle, but so engrained that it rolls off my tongue with ease.

She holds the key to more happiness and satisfaction.

She is kind of a big deal.

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At the end of this project my list consisted of :

Balance, Family, Growth, Faith, Happiness, Kindness.

I am a work in progress.

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Birthday Roundup

10 Aug

Simple. Effortless. Perfect.

Defining this birthday weekend is easy.  It isn’t often that I get a WHOLE weekend to call my own.  Taking my time, letting moments simmer, refilling my spirit until it bubbled over with peace and happiness.

This was my plan.

It started with lunch on Friday with my some of my favorite co-workers. A place where “food is love”. I’m grateful to work with such genuine, kind souls.

Dinner with my two boys followed while their dad worked an odd shift. Thankfully he only works this shift every now and again.  I’m not complaining though,  I had the boys all to myself in a corner booth. Only another mother can fully understand the joy that leaps from your spirit when a child that has moved into his own space, graces you with his presence.  To have both of your children within arms reach, puts the rhythm of your heart back in sync.

To wrap up Friday, an evening  visit with the Princess. The prettiest little thing you ever did see. Rocking her to sleep, hearing her breathe  in and out…there are no words to describe how perfect this is. catalina 810

Saturday brought my 12 year old’s specialty – boiled eggs accompanied by my hubby’s  (A.K.A. Bacon Maker) -crispy strips of bacon. I gobbled them down with a smile.

Food

  Birthday morning snuggles.  Even though we have a very large sectional, both puppies and my youngest prefer to be on the same square I’m sitting on…that would be my left arm in the pink robe.

 They love their momma.

pups

Reading  love notes on my couch from my Facebook friends and family inspired me.  You all know sure know how to make a lady feel special!

I couldn’t think of a better day to give a donation.

blood

Give Blood. Give Life.

Recouping with a seafood dinner later that evening with my boys – youngest and the bacon maker, in a beautiful location….with  bloody marys

(I guess I kept the theme going!)

blood mary's. might be nice to have mini mimosas and blood mary's for morning folks. doubt many would drink them, but it might be nice to offer.

Ending a fantastic weekend with another visit with the Princess.

My tummy and heart are full.  My shoe fund received a few deposits.

I’m a happy girl.

Life is good.

Hoping  this last year in my 30’s is as easy, simple and perfect as this weekend.

Live for the moment... I believe in this. hope you had a wonderful day..?

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