Archive | March, 2015

Deeply

14 Mar

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I didn’t realize I was angry.

It snuck up on me the way the ocean consumes the sand on windless day. Slowly. Inch.by.Inch.  Before I knew it, there was no place to sit….No way I could deny it’s presence.

I haven’t heard your voice in four years.  I think I miss your wicked sense of humor most.  They way you could shake me out of myself with something hilariously sarcastic..and the way I would laugh for days about it when the memory resurfaced…

How I sobbed when you left.  Strange and deep, from the pit of my soul, I sobbed.  It was unfamiliar and scary.  Honestly, I didn’t recognize my own voice.  Grief had stepped in to guide my ship. His voice interrupted mine…until  I graciously stepped aside.  I didn’t know how to navigate this path.  I didn’t want to.

However those days, and the days that followed, were strangely covered in a cloak of peace. It hung on my shoulders like a winter shawl, beautiful but painful to the touch.

I understood it was time. You were tired.  Your body to weak to fight for air.  Your lungs had failed you.

I could point wagging fingers at DNA or life-style choices….I could….but I won’t

I remember the way you would get so excited to have treasures on hand for T.  No sooner would his feet cross your threshold than you would say, “sit. I have something for you” fumbling with the remote to play back his favorite show, or pointing at the candy dish.

When our oldest S, came over to do lawn work in the spring and summer, you were thankful for his service…but you cherished the conversations shared over a soda the most.  Relaxing together as he cooled down from the summer heat, you hung on his every word.  We laughed when your calls for lawn service became more frequent.  S would grin, knowing that what you really wanted, was some of his time.  The lawn work was just a means to the end.   If S, a man of few words, shared any hint of insight into his life, his dreams, or aspirations, you held on to that nugget like it was solid gold.  Pleased and thankful that he trusted you enough to share.

You loved my boys…and they loved you.

When I hold this baby girl, this beautiful precious great-great-grandchild of yours….when I see the corners of her eyes touch the corners of her smile…I think of you.  I know you would have adored her every movement.

And…. I’m mad that she will never know your voice.  I’m mad that you won’t experience the love that circles in the air when she is around.

I’m mad that you left to soon.

I pulled out the old wooden high chair from the attic last week….the one we thought about throwing away a few moves ago but couldn’t. Couldn’t because it is the one you refinished for S when he was a baby. Who would have thought It would last another generation….as sweet baby girl ate her green beans, I couldn’t help but wipe away a few tears knowing her great-great grandma poured so much love into the seat that held her.

They say the measure of your grief shows the greatness of your love…..

I guess that is true.

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Rest in Peace Gram.  You loved and were loved….Deeply….

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Saying Goodbye

4 Mar

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Hey Jack,

Can we..umm… talk?
It’s been a fun few months and we’ve had some good times…for sure…

But…

There just isn’t an easy way to say this…so here it goes…I think it’s time for us to put some space between us….

At first I welcomed the cooler air…the times we spent snuggling with my scarf and the way you admired my boots. But now…now I don’t know….

I’m just tired. Tired of being cold…..and the extra layers…I feel like I’m suffocating.  And, when your family came to visit Jack, they brought the Frost with them…They killed my plants …

KILLED THEM with their FROSTY, frosty ways! Yes, I know, it’s their right…but Jack…it’s just plain rude.  Honestly, I don’t think I can get over it. I’ve tried…Lord knows, I’ve tried.

Before you jump to conclusions, let me just say, NO.

No, there isn’t anyone else. Yes…I know… Spring has been popping his head in every now and again…but he never stays long. I’m not even sure we bat on the same team…He flutters around making things beautiful and primping…talking flowers…singing and smiling…smiling and singing…

Of course! He is so much fun to hang out with and I deeply enjoy his company. Everyone should have some Spring in their life. We just don’t…well, we don’t have that sort of connection….

Summer? What about him?

He can be a bit of a southern bully. He muscles his way past Spring, doesn’t he? Announcing his presence triumphantly…It’s hard to stay mad at him though…He draws me in with his sunny disposition and boundless energy.

If I’m honest, I kind of flush when he’s around…even get a little sweaty…

You noticed??

Must be nervous energy. He comes out full force, guns blazing. It is kinda’ hot

…ummm…anyway….

Look, Jack Frost…I don’t want to talk about others….

You and I need some time apart…I know you will find someone who appreciates your cool style more than I….You deserve to be loved just the way you are….  I hear Boston has a thing for the wintry mix…

I really wish things were different…

It’s not you, it’s me.

I hope we can still be friends….

…Call me, maybe?

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