I didn’t realize I was angry.
It snuck up on me the way the ocean consumes the sand on windless day. Slowly. Inch.by.Inch. Before I knew it, there was no place to sit….No way I could deny it’s presence.
I haven’t heard your voice in four years. I think I miss your wicked sense of humor most. They way you could shake me out of myself with something hilariously sarcastic..and the way I would laugh for days about it when the memory resurfaced…
How I sobbed when you left. Strange and deep, from the pit of my soul, I sobbed. It was unfamiliar and scary. Honestly, I didn’t recognize my own voice. Grief had stepped in to guide my ship. His voice interrupted mine…until I graciously stepped aside. I didn’t know how to navigate this path. I didn’t want to.
However those days, and the days that followed, were strangely covered in a cloak of peace. It hung on my shoulders like a winter shawl, beautiful but painful to the touch.
I understood it was time. You were tired. Your body to weak to fight for air. Your lungs had failed you.
I could point wagging fingers at DNA or life-style choices….I could….but I won’t
I remember the way you would get so excited to have treasures on hand for T. No sooner would his feet cross your threshold than you would say, “sit. I have something for you” fumbling with the remote to play back his favorite show, or pointing at the candy dish.
When our oldest S, came over to do lawn work in the spring and summer, you were thankful for his service…but you cherished the conversations shared over a soda the most. Relaxing together as he cooled down from the summer heat, you hung on his every word. We laughed when your calls for lawn service became more frequent. S would grin, knowing that what you really wanted, was some of his time. The lawn work was just a means to the end. If S, a man of few words, shared any hint of insight into his life, his dreams, or aspirations, you held on to that nugget like it was solid gold. Pleased and thankful that he trusted you enough to share.
You loved my boys…and they loved you.
When I hold this baby girl, this beautiful precious great-great-grandchild of yours….when I see the corners of her eyes touch the corners of her smile…I think of you. I know you would have adored her every movement.
And…. I’m mad that she will never know your voice. I’m mad that you won’t experience the love that circles in the air when she is around.
I’m mad that you left to soon.
I pulled out the old wooden high chair from the attic last week….the one we thought about throwing away a few moves ago but couldn’t. Couldn’t because it is the one you refinished for S when he was a baby. Who would have thought It would last another generation….as sweet baby girl ate her green beans, I couldn’t help but wipe away a few tears knowing her great-great grandma poured so much love into the seat that held her.
They say the measure of your grief shows the greatness of your love…..
I guess that is true.
Rest in Peace Gram. You loved and were loved….Deeply….