Tag Archives: funny

I. HAVVVE. NEVVVERRR.

29 Mar

On a recent work trip to Ft. Lauderdale, I clicked on Netflix searching for something mindless and funny. I landed upon Fortune Feimster’s comedy special “Sweet & Salty”. In my hotel room, decompressing from the day, I found myself laughing out loud. Before I tell you to check it out here is my disclaimer: like most comedians, she isn’t for everyone – she isn’t PG. She has some topics that could raise an eyebrow.  In fact, she tells you right up front – it’s a salty show.… However, she is very funny and let’s face it, we all need a good laugh these days. In her act, she portrays her mother, who is fuming mad and is denying a trip to Hooters – and she says “I. HAVE. NEVEEERRRRR” with an emphasis on the “VEERRR”. She has this North Carolinian, sweet southern drawllll that makes this moment extra special. Being a southern girl myself, I just find this so on point and hysterical.

Clip here: https://www.facebook.com/NetflixIsAJoke/videos/1027856740929163/ 

 

Fast forward to yesterday….
Last night I needed a break from isolation and ventured into my neighborhood for some fresh air. Now, I wouldn’t say I exercise outdoors daily – but I do it frequently enough that I have an expectation of how things will go. Typically, when I leave my house, I don’t see a soul, and I have to pause at a busy street that leads everyone who lives here (all 700+ houses) in and out of the neighborhood. In the evening, I can stand at this corner for what seems like eternity as cars zoom by oblivious to anyone that may want to cross the street to get to the sidewalk. (Our neighborhood only has sidewalks on one side of the street. I have no idea why….Centex decided that we only needed one side, I guess. Thanks, Centex! )

So last night when I left my house and rounded the corner, adjusting my phone to log my steps, my eyes lift to see my next door neighbor in her yard with her son. Hmmm…okay. I wave, and pass the second house – and that neighbor is in the yard with her two dogs. I’ve lived her four years and I have never seen this lady or those dogs – a Dalmatian and a Great Dane. I’d remember those dogs if nothing else, but for their size! At the corner where I usually cross the busy intersection, another neighbor has his two boys were in the yard playing catch. The two littles are giggling and have such fun. I’ve seen them a time or two before over the last several months – but now they all wave eagerly. Mom, Dad and both boys. I wave back and smile.

I cross the street without a car insight (WOAH – that never happens) and make my way to our one sided sidewalk. There I see multiple groups of people walking their dogs, riding their bikes…running. We stay our six foot apart (Corona Virus Rules) with one or the other moving to the grass to let the other pass. Everyone is smiling, happy, and unrushed.

Then I hear Fortune’s voice in my ear:   I. HAVE. NEVEEERRRRRR.
• I have never seen so many people exercising in my neighborhood at one time.
• I have never seen so many walkers.
• I have never seen so many bike riders.
• I have never seen so many dogs.
• I have never seen so many children playing in the front yard.
• I have never seen so few cars.
• I have never waived so much on a walk.
• I have never smiled so many times on a walk in my neighborhood.

I. Have. NEVEERRRRRR. (emphasis on the VEERRRR)

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Listen, this Corona virus and all it’s rules suck. Huggers can’t hug. People can’t socialize at school, at work, at a bar….shoot you can’t even go to a restaurant. (That is our favorite form of entertainment.) Yet, I can promise you, people are finding ways to still show up. It’s clear that people still crave interaction -more people smiled and waved while I was on my walk than ever before. The desire to connect to someone, anyone, is driving us into our yards and our sidewalks.

It’s like they were saying “I see you! Do you see me? We are still here! We got this! We can do hard things! ”

So can I encourage you to take the walk – but stay the recommended six foot away from each other. Wave. Smile. Notice the little things – like the turtles swimming in the pond, oblivious to the whole Corona virus hub-bub, but still happy to be alive doing what turtles do. Enjoy the simple things before life gets busy again, and you forget to go play, to go on a bike ride, to let people cross the busy street to get to the one-sided sidewalk. Enjoy it while you can friends, because this to will pass.

Xoxo,
Lady Chats A Lot

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Just a little more, please

7 Apr

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Dear Fashion Industry,

 

We need to have a chat…Pull up a chair and settle in.….

 

With summer on the way, I’m slowing emerging from my cocoon of sweaters and boots. Looking for a few new  items to add to my wardrobe is becoming more difficult than I remember it from previous years.

 

Let’s start with tops….Can I make a request?  Please do not  use see-through material to make my shirts.  Every SINGLE shirt I try on is see through….I don’t live in the Midwest and I don’t like to layer.  I want to wear ONE shirt….not six.  When I put my ONE shirt on, I don’t want others to be traumatized by seeing my bellybutton, moles, or random hairs that may or may not be present. Shirts are MADE to cover those suckers up.  Don’t believe me? Just ask, I’ll tell you the truth.

 

While you are at it, can you use a zipper longer than 1.5 inches on my jeans, please? I mean, really. It can’t be THAT much more expensive to throw a girl a couple of inches. I’m thinking 4 should do the trick….Don’t get carried away and use those long suckers you put in “mom jeans” but you know, just a little more zipper would be nice…Know why? Because it means you’ll also need to use a little more material to fully cover my hips. Muffin tops are not cute.  They.are.NOT.  You force me to show my muffin top and I’m not happy about it.

 

While we are talking “mom jeans”, let’s talk about shorts. Of the styles available,  I have to choose from a 1-inch, 3-inch or 24-inch inseam….can we not get something in the middle? I’m freaking serious here.  I’m 40 years old…no one wants to see me in a 1-inch inseam shorts…In fact, I’m pretty sure I own underwear with a longer inseam .……I also don’t want shorts that cover my knees…those are called capris…I just want mid-thigh length shorts.  Why do I have to beg for something that seems so reasonable to me? It is exhausting….

 

Now let’s talk bathing suits….WHY, WHY can you not give me enough material to both cover my crack and my hips simultaneously?  I know it’s possible. I have underwear that can do the job….so….

 

As I’m typing I’m thinking, my underwear kicks ass….maybe I should just wear that and be done with it…I mean if leggings qualify as pants, couldn’t my underwear qualify as shorts??

 

Frustrated and damn near naked,

Lady Chatsalot

 

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Well, that is a bummer…

4 Sep

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Today my car visor broke. You know that thing with the mirror on the back that when pulled down also blocks the sun? My car is only a couple of years old. This shouldn’t have happened, but it did….Tore right off in my hand as I was fighting to put it back in it’s holder. The thing is, I don’t want to tell my husband. No, I’m not scared. He is the nicest, kindest man. However, he tends to point out the obvious. While it may be true, it ticks me off.

Over the weekend, he drove the car and also fought with the visor. Irritated, he said I use it to much. Well, uh.. yeah…it has a mirror…I’m a girl. I have lips and teeth that I need to check before getting out of the car…DAILY. I don’t apologize for that..Oh, and I also use it to block the sun as I can never find my sun glasses. One of the reasons I refuse to buy ‘nice’ glasses…I toss them around the car, around my purse, around the house. Most of the time I’m dodging a scratch on the lens directly in my line of vision to see the car in front of me…its a rough life. Point is, I do use the visor. I’m not sure that I use it “to much”. Isn’t that what it is for? What is too much?

If I tell him I broke the visor, he will say that I need a car with bumpers. He would be right. I hate that. I’m not a BAD driver. I haven’t been in accident in over 11 years (knock on wood). Truth be told though, over the years I’ve backed into several poles, mailboxes, other parked cars..the list could go on, but I’ll save the gritty details to protect myself and prevent his list from getting longer. I don’t know why stuff just jumps out in front of me. (Maybe the scratch on my sunglasses is preventing me from seeing properly???) He swears the car has more scratches on it than it used to…honestly, it is possible…I don’t really notice. Once, while dropping my son off at school, I ran into a curb. This caused a tire to flatten in 30 seconds..and caused me to say a few naughty words. That was a bummer because we apparently use expensive hi-profile tires, not like the $57 tires on my old Honda Civic. The Hubster fussed, as much as he fusses anyway. I of course said it was a micro tap and tires really should have more ‘life’ to them. Either way, we were out a pretty penny. Since I manage our accounts, it upset me more than him…I think.

As I’m typing this blog and contemplating how I will tell him, my husband finds his way to the passenger side of my car looking for something. (There is some strange power in the universe that doesn’t let me get a way with a thing! I swear to goodness this is true!) Turns out I left the newly destroyed visor on the seat. He returns saying, “So you decided to just rip the visor right off, huh?”

Damn…

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