Tag Archives: funny

Just a little more, please

7 Apr

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Dear Fashion Industry,

 

We need to have a chat…Pull up a chair and settle in.….

 

With summer on the way, I’m slowing emerging from my cocoon of sweaters and boots. Looking for a few new  items to add to my wardrobe is becoming more difficult than I remember it from previous years.

 

Let’s start with tops….Can I make a request?  Please do not  use see-through material to make my shirts.  Every SINGLE shirt I try on is see through….I don’t live in the Midwest and I don’t like to layer.  I want to wear ONE shirt….not six.  When I put my ONE shirt on, I don’t want others to be traumatized by seeing my bellybutton, moles, or random hairs that may or may not be present. Shirts are MADE to cover those suckers up.  Don’t believe me? Just ask, I’ll tell you the truth.

 

While you are at it, can you use a zipper longer than 1.5 inches on my jeans, please? I mean, really. It can’t be THAT much more expensive to throw a girl a couple of inches. I’m thinking 4 should do the trick….Don’t get carried away and use those long suckers you put in “mom jeans” but you know, just a little more zipper would be nice…Know why? Because it means you’ll also need to use a little more material to fully cover my hips. Muffin tops are not cute.  They.are.NOT.  You force me to show my muffin top and I’m not happy about it.

 

While we are talking “mom jeans”, let’s talk about shorts. Of the styles available,  I have to choose from a 1-inch, 3-inch or 24-inch inseam….can we not get something in the middle? I’m freaking serious here.  I’m 40 years old…no one wants to see me in a 1-inch inseam shorts…In fact, I’m pretty sure I own underwear with a longer inseam .……I also don’t want shorts that cover my knees…those are called capris…I just want mid-thigh length shorts.  Why do I have to beg for something that seems so reasonable to me? It is exhausting….

 

Now let’s talk bathing suits….WHY, WHY can you not give me enough material to both cover my crack and my hips simultaneously?  I know it’s possible. I have underwear that can do the job….so….

 

As I’m typing I’m thinking, my underwear kicks ass….maybe I should just wear that and be done with it…I mean if leggings qualify as pants, couldn’t my underwear qualify as shorts??

 

Frustrated and damn near naked,

Lady Chatsalot

 

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Well, that is a bummer…

4 Sep

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Today my car visor broke. You know that thing with the mirror on the back that when pulled down also blocks the sun? My car is only a couple of years old. This shouldn’t have happened, but it did….Tore right off in my hand as I was fighting to put it back in it’s holder. The thing is, I don’t want to tell my husband. No, I’m not scared. He is the nicest, kindest man. However, he tends to point out the obvious. While it may be true, it ticks me off.

Over the weekend, he drove the car and also fought with the visor. Irritated, he said I use it to much. Well, uh.. yeah…it has a mirror…I’m a girl. I have lips and teeth that I need to check before getting out of the car…DAILY. I don’t apologize for that..Oh, and I also use it to block the sun as I can never find my sun glasses. One of the reasons I refuse to buy ‘nice’ glasses…I toss them around the car, around my purse, around the house. Most of the time I’m dodging a scratch on the lens directly in my line of vision to see the car in front of me…its a rough life. Point is, I do use the visor. I’m not sure that I use it “to much”. Isn’t that what it is for? What is too much?

If I tell him I broke the visor, he will say that I need a car with bumpers. He would be right. I hate that. I’m not a BAD driver. I haven’t been in accident in over 11 years (knock on wood). Truth be told though, over the years I’ve backed into several poles, mailboxes, other parked cars..the list could go on, but I’ll save the gritty details to protect myself and prevent his list from getting longer. I don’t know why stuff just jumps out in front of me. (Maybe the scratch on my sunglasses is preventing me from seeing properly???) He swears the car has more scratches on it than it used to…honestly, it is possible…I don’t really notice. Once, while dropping my son off at school, I ran into a curb. This caused a tire to flatten in 30 seconds..and caused me to say a few naughty words. That was a bummer because we apparently use expensive hi-profile tires, not like the $57 tires on my old Honda Civic. The Hubster fussed, as much as he fusses anyway. I of course said it was a micro tap and tires really should have more ‘life’ to them. Either way, we were out a pretty penny. Since I manage our accounts, it upset me more than him…I think.

As I’m typing this blog and contemplating how I will tell him, my husband finds his way to the passenger side of my car looking for something. (There is some strange power in the universe that doesn’t let me get a way with a thing! I swear to goodness this is true!) Turns out I left the newly destroyed visor on the seat. He returns saying, “So you decided to just rip the visor right off, huh?”

Damn…

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