Downward DOG?

14 Feb

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So….I’ve heard the Yoga pant debate more times than I think necessary….

On the evening news…and in my social media feed.

Each and every time, I feel my blood pressure rising. The internal heat searching for a release….rising to my cheeks and spewing words in rapid fire… I want to scream at the insanity!

Women around the country are vowing to never wear yoga pants or leggings in public…because it may cause a man to lust…. Some idiot in Montana wants to outlaw them….

Seriously…

Yes…I’m SERIOUS….

Let’s stop selling heels and skirts that show our knees…oh, and make-up, and push-up bras….Perfume, maybe?

Feel pretty? Certainly someone finds THAT attractive…

Cue the mob to burn you at the stake! Potato sacks for EVERYONE!

Lord have mercy…a man is turned on by a women…stop the freakin’ presses….This is NOTHING new folks…and it has NOTHING to do with YOGA pants.

I’m from the opinion that straight men love women, because we are women…not particularly because of the way we dress, or the shoes we wear…but because of the way we move in those garments. The way our hips sway, the softness of our skin, the way our hands move through our hair. The way we smell…..Women are sensual. Frankly, I think they should be….It separates us from men….

Oh and men, if you think women don’t fantasize, lust after a man’s-man…Well, I laugh out loud at your arrogance… To think we are incapable of  having those same thoughts….

I’ve had more conversations than I can count of us “lady-folk” tantalized by your confidence in a suit, your jeans and simple white t-shirt, your swagger when you walk in a room…and own it…, by your smile, and the way you bite your lip when you are concentrating…Yes, women are not immune to lust….SURPRISE….

However, to think that any of those things listed above would cause you to behave out of character or cause you to cheat on your spouse….well, I beg to differ.

The world is round…and filled with busty women, large perky butts, legs that go for miles….men with muscles, perfect hair, tanned skin….and tight jeans….

If you have a problem with lust, with controlling yourself, well it is simply YOUR problem. Work on it. Talk to God…make an appointment with your therapist…whatever you need to do…but change YOU….

Don’t for a second think that your lack of control should spill over and  into my life…limiting my choices of attire.

Somehow, somewhere, we have lost the very definition of accountability….

Let’s make that a LAW… YOU are RESPONSIBLE for YOU.

Period. End of Story.

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Dear Mrs. Victoria Secret,

3 Jan

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Dear Mrs. Victoria Secret,

I’ve tried on two of your garments in the last two days. One came in the mail, the other in my local shop…..Mrs. Secret, we need to chat….A little heart to heart…girl talk…

First, let’s start with the bathing suit I ordered (on sale) which was received this week. Since I’m now a grandma and all, I thought I may need something to cover my tummy on future boating outings….I mean, I certainly don’t remember my grandma sporting a bikini….

The price was right, the color hot! A bright peachy / pinky coral number, which looks fantastic on my olive skin. I read the dimensions more than once, carefully selecting the correct size. When the tankini (a tank top swim top) arrived, I was eager to try it on.

I ran over two miles that day and walked my dogs…I guess I could have been a little worn out, my muscles a little tired….

After the first 5 seconds of attempting to slip the tankini over my head, I knew this would not end well….

My arms splayed over my head, elbows touching, my eyes blinded by the fabric which is simultaneously gripping  my upper rib cage, it is now cutting off the circulation….my breath is becoming shallow…I sit on the toilet, arms still lifted, trying to fill my lungs…I feel like I’m caught in a bad game of Chinese handcuffs…the more I pull, the tighter it is…

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Breathe in, then out completely, like they taught me in yoga…now try to pull that damn thing down to my hips….it only took a couple of tries…maybe three…or four….I rest on the side of the bathtub before examining in the mirror.

Whewww… It looks fine, I think……smoothing it down, turning side to side…but it feels…It feels a bit like a sausage casing…and I can only imagine how I will get this damn thing off when it is wet…Scissors may be required…

We actually wear these things to swim in right??? Or am I the only one?

Fast forward to yesterday. Imagine my surprise when I land smack dab in the middle of your semi-annual sale. Yippeee…happy dance….My husband and I are just returning from a getaway, I think – ooohhh, I’ll try this little number on…Strappy and black… the bra connected to the skirt. As I walk into the fitting room, I wonder, how exactly does this thing work?

I try stepping into it…nope….

I try pulling it on over my head

….and I’m repeating the day before… Chinese handcuffs….

Now, I’m cussing…and my mood is foul….

Wholly shit…I don’t think I can get this damn thing off…and I’m certain I’m not ‘IN’ it to begin with….

I contemplate calling in the sales staff…I’ve seen three working the floor…flipping through the list, I wonder who would answer the call? The young 20ish, size 0, who could probably somersault into this get-up? Oh my Lawwddd…I close my eyes….shake my head…no, this is an adventure I must tackle alone….

….breathe in, breath out…pull, step… breathe in, breath out, crouch, push, sit….geezzzee…Who knew yoga could come in so handy?

I had no idea the level of athleticism needed for such a small amount of fabric….I mean, I’ve been working out and all…but COME ON VICTORIA!!

Mrs.Secret, I really like the IDEA of your garments…I’m sure they would look super cute…However, should you require six years of gymnastics experience and ownership of a trampoline to get your “outfits” on, it really should be noted in the description.

Exhausted,
Lady Chatsalot

PS – HIRE MORE WOMEN DESIGNERS!!

Rearview

1 Jan

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Looking back is nearly as important as looking ahead.  Acknowledging growth, the need and ability, makes it that much easier the next time around…and trust me, it always circles back around.

We are not meant to be stagnant.  If we are not growing, we are dying.

Here is the short list (there are tons more) of lessons learned in 2014 from a recovering perfectionist…(me)

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1) I’m only responsible for me.  My actions, my words, my thoughts…fully and completely.  This sounds like such an easy concept, right? Should be!  As a self labeled, hyper-responsible being, it’s been tremendously hard…

knock-your-head-against-the-wall… H.A.R.D.

But ohhhh the freedom when I aced this test!  I couldn’t have soared higher if I had wings!

Some could say it is an issue rooted in control…maybe so.  I know my intentions were not in that vein… but to make peace…in all situations, even when they weren’t mine to resolve.

….It’s possible  The need to please was rising to the top there too.

Anywhooo…I love that I’m free of those chains.  It isn’t to say that I don’t slip the cuffs on from time to time….but I recognize it sooner…and I know where I hide the key.

2) Let go of expectations.  Letting go of how you think someone should behave opens the space to give freely.  Why? Because you are not evaluating your giving based on their response.   Conflict swells when expectations are not clearly spoken, understood and agreed to.

If you are doing anything with the expectation (goal) of getting someone to respond in a particular way, take a moment to consider why you desire that response… to feel loved, happy or just to feel good about yourself?

Acknowledge what you need, why it’s needed, and if you can fill that void  with or without  the desired response from another…self-awareness unlocks the door to deep satisfaction.

3) There are lots of terrible things in the world. Having someone new to love is not one of them.  We welcomed baby girl into our lives almost six months ago. Their story isn’t picture perfect, but it works. My heart calls her name when we are apart. In her presence, my world stands still.  I’m a young grandma, AND I LOVE IT….every second, every minute.

4)  In the end,  ‘IT’ always works out…Worrying simply won’t change the outcome.  In fact, nine out of ten times, the thoughts rattling around between your ears is worse than the actual problem.

Pray. Do your best. Know when to walk away and when to stand your ground. Communicate.   Your track record for getting through tough times, as of today, is 100%.  I’d say that is pretty damn good…and a pretty good indicator of your future results.

In the mist of trying times, I’ve learned to ask myself, “What is the worst that can happen?”  I walk through the scenario until the answer is “life will go on” and i know it does….Always.

As I say farewell to 2014, I look forward to 2015 with excitement and eager anticipation.  Knowing it too, carries a suitcase of lessons yet to be unfolded. Lessons that will reshape, whittle away, and further define who I was created to be.

I can think of nothing better.

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Recurring Dream

22 Dec

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Lately, I’ve been having a recurring dream…

I’m being chased by a man in red suit….velvet and fur-lined.

Funny thing is, I think the same thing may have happened last year. I wonder if it is the pie I’ve been eating…a turkey allergy, maybe?

Gluten?

I really should be able to out run him. He’s a little over weight…and a smidge older than me. But man, is he QUICK. Faster than you would think….

Nipping on my heels, waking my slumber with the booming of his voice.

HO..HOO…Hooo…

Taunting with his winks and pointed fingers….

Man, I don’t  e.v.e.n …know.YOU.

Quit calling me names.

They profiled someone on the news last week who looks similar. Hard to tell with that beard….Could it be? They think he is responsible for multiple neighborhood break ins… A little delusional they said….

This guy..this guy carries a sack…Like a big mamma jamma one. He could fit some stuff in there.

Looking over my shoulder, I realize he is closer than before. We are almost face to face now….

And then I wake…

Quest without a map

14 Dec

I’ve felt the urge to write for a couple of weeks now…

An itch that can’t be reached.

Middle of my back and my arms are not… quite…long enough….

Insatiable

Life is nondescript for now….

not terribly hard…nor terribly easy…

A loss for words…yet the longing to purge….

A quest without a map.

Thanksgiving

26 Nov

On the eve of Thanksgiving, I’m reminded of my mantra…

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Living a purposeful life.

Thankful for blessings and thankful to be a blessing.  For we are not meant to only receive…or only to give… but to find balance between the two.

My twelve year old asked that I write about our experience today…and at first I was hesitant. Weighing heavy…I’m not sure that it is the right thing to do.  It’s not normally something I share…In fact, it makes  me quite uncomfortable to do so.

However, lots of topics on this blog make me uneasy…vulnerable, even….

-slips on the blind fold….I feel my feet bouncing on the board beneath me… I’m diving in…-

Admittedly, my life has been a bit disorganized and chaotic over the last few weeks. The lack of energy causing me to wait until the last minute to do our holiday food shopping.  By the time we crossed the threshold today, the store was packed and the aisles a bit bare. Sighing as we joined the crowd, our nerves take on the energy of those around us…It is maddening….

Our cart now full, I recant from memory the ingredients of the dishes I plan to cook tomorrow, ticking each one off as I scan my cart for accuracy…check..check…good…  Our cart picking up speed as we head to the register as if in a race.

Finding the shortest line, which on any other day would not be described as such, we wait…shifting my weight every three seconds…my hands on my hips…I’m a  bit impatient wondering why this conveyer belt is not moving and why the cashier appears to not be working.

I’m tired from a day of errands, from playing the referee  between two bickering ADHD-ers…one fully grown…to whom I happen to be married…and the other, well, twelve…

Moms around the world nod with understanding and sympathy…

At this point I just want my sweat pants and a hot cup of coffee.

TAKE.ME.HOME

Loading my groceries on the belt, I vaguely hear the lady in front of me.  She is having trouble with her new debit card. It worked at the gas station she says…she tries it again…and again. Maybe four times.  A mix of stress and embarrassment flush over her. She doesn’t have another form of payment. The line continuing to form behind her.

And I know

…I make a face in response. Twisted lips because I see the outcome before I’m ready to make the decision.

(Honest confession) I’m Torn…I’m not sure if I want to ….but I know I’m supposed to…..

I’m supposed to because I come from the belief that there are no REAL accidents, just missed opportunities.

So I slide my card to the cashier.

Done.

I didn’t have all the right words…didn’t do all the right things…It was a bit awkward for all…it wasn’t a planned moment.

Why? Because we are all in it together.  Because I know the panic that washes over you when you don’t have the money to pay… because blessings are meant to flow to you and through you….and I am blessed.

Shocked she wasn’t sure how to respond…She leaned in to hug me..clasping her hands to her face, then chest…..I mumbled quietly out the side of my mouth, “happy thanksgiving…and merry Christmas”….still not having a handle on  the events  transpiring before me.

I asked T, “Why would I…should I… tell this story?”

Proud to be a part of the day, he said,

“It was literally the meaning of thanksgiving.  You gave and she said thanks.  It was so awesome.”

From the eyes of a child it is just that simple.

A story to be told.

Take Chances. Give everything…. And have no regrets.

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Damn Bears – Part 2

17 Nov

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Driving into work, I realized that I only told half the story with my last post. The rest is harder to admit, but likely more important.

You see, when my cousins burst into my grandmother’s room, tear stained and gasping between sobs, a piece of my nine year old self felt they fully deserved the tongue lashing they were dealt.

Admittedly, a large piece.

Sure, my grandfather was over the top angry…..at the sound of children playing…. It would also be reasonable to believe he had been drinking… Was he harsh?  YES!

But I couldn’t understand how no one in the room could miss that volcano erupting.

I saw it a mile away…and I ran.

and….Over time, with repetition of the same story on a different day… a belief system was born…

Although there are variations, it goes something like this:

My behavior good or bad is responsible for how others respond or react to me. If I was “good enough” they would play nice. Simply put, they were not responsible for their outbursts, I was….Because I should have been better. Should have seen it coming…If only I had paid more attention, reeled myself in….Squished all my parts into that t.i.n.y. little box….

And… then there are the bears…

There was a time when my two story home with the white picket fence was located smack dab in the middle of a bear preserve…everywhere…as far as you could see..over populated..  Bouncing like a pin-ball from the belly of one energy draining bear to another.  In anger, bearing their teeth and slashing the air  with their mammoth claws…Exhausted, I ran….

Dragging  my baggage behind me, I searched for a new place to lay my head.  One less chaotic. Less noisy…more.. me.

Rebuilding from the ground up has been hard…painful, even…Standing toe to toe with the past is never simple.  Yet  I’m in it…neck deep.

I know it is necessary for the abundant life I’m destined…and determined… to live.

So here is a **News Flash** friends…

I’m not responsible for anyone’s behavior….and neither are you. (good or bad)

Let that sink in for a minute.

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You can’t make someone mad, angry, or act a certain way. It is ALWAYS THEIR CHOICE.

You are (I am) solely responsible for our own actions — and nothing more.

Now go forth and prosper….

Take full and complete responsibility for yourself

….and avoid those damn bears.

They are rampant….but not necessary.

As an adult, you get to chose.

 

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