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Rolla’ Coasta of love

9 Jul

This rolla’ coasta  I’m on feels pretty damn good right about now.  When I’m at the tip top, I can see for miles. Smiling as wide as my mouth will allow, eyes ablaze. I feel alive, invincible, capable of virtually anything .  I seriously can’t get much higher. My soul wants to leap out of my chest. Surely I have happiness dripping out of my pores.  Someone really should find a way to bottle this stuff and sell it. It would be worth a fortune. Roller Coaster, Magelibanen, Norway. What a beautiful view from the roller coaster! I'm in! :) Because before you know it, here comes a dip…or a drop…a big dip / drop… valley.

Since I boarded this thrill ride  last week, I’ve had lots of  “opportunities”  to be offended.   Each threatening to end my rolla’ coaster of happiness way to soon.

Just this weekend after a seriously BIG opportunity,  I said to my husband in my high pitched, yet stern tone, “HONEYYYY! My redneck side is about to come out!”

His response?  “Tuck it back in, babe.”

I rolled laughing. Literally.  Rolled laughing.

It was the BEST thing he has EVER said to me.

That laughter was enough to allow my car to coast out of the dip and soar to yet another high, unbelievably higher than the last…  Once again I was at the peak, swinging my dangling legs , relishing my new found height.   I summoned up the courage to open one eye and look around. I really didn’t want to though…Fear was riding shotgun.

(One eye always helps when fear has taken hold of your heart.  Two eyes are just to much to handle in times like these.)

This place, this peak, felt so good. Like crazy, head over heels, exquisitely deliciously good.  I was afraid to lose it.  Afraid to let even an ounce slip through my fingers. I was desperately holding on for dear life with all that I had. More than anything, I wanted to be here…forever.  To make this peak my new home.

Now with both eyes open, sadly, I  knew it just wasn’t  possible.

Why? Because life is about the peaks AND the valleys. If it were not for the valleys, we would never know how awesome it feels when to hit the peak! Roller coaster face- this made me laugh. Poor baby Really…

Really, it is about OUR (read here -> MY) attitude in the valley.

Choosing to keep your redneck tucked in until you can coast to the next peak.  Using your opportunities to grow to new heights instead of allowing them to bring you down deeper into the valley.

Don’t let a thief steal your joy. We all know they are not worth it.

Half the time THEY know they aren’t worth it.

Poor pitiful souls. Relationship Quotes--Become a Love Magnet with "52 Romantic Things To Do" LOVE  LIGHT 2 YOUR SOULS

Lessons in Boundaries

5 Jun

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This has been a year of growth for us…K and I. We started the year taking a boundaries class. It was insightful. It changed us more than we could imagine when we walked through the doors.

We feel healthier, stronger, more connected…and we understand each other a bit more, working through those vulnerable areas we try to hide from the rest of the world…and at times, even each other.

Now we can call IT by name. IT, defined as our messiness….We can say, “You are avoiding right now, you know this, right?” A gentle nod is all that is needed. Once spoken, those old thought patterns lose power. There is freedom in untying the knot.

*** As a disclaimer to those we love, we didn’t take the class because of marital issues. We took it because of outside boundary issues that were penetrating who we believed we were. We fully embraced the class and it strengthened our marriage. It was a positive side effect.

I’m so thankful…so thankful…to have a partner that is willing to grow with me. I know it is harder for him than it is for me. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. It is just the way we are built. I’m always looking for change, for growth, for newness. My husband looks for calm, for stillness, for more of the same. Change is difficult for him. And yet, he embraces my desire for more: the way I explore, challenge the norm and look for enlightenment. He comes along for the ride, buckled in,  fingers tightly wound around  the ‘oh shit’ handle, foot firm on the break… but he is in the car. He allows me to grow and is willing to grow with me.

Isn’t that the very definition of love? He does what is out of his comfort zone for me…not because he WANTS to. But because he isn’t willing to let me go it alone.

Love….I am blessed. I am thankful. I am loved.

 

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Walking in the darkness

17 Nov

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I contemplated writing about my experience last week….not wanting to go there, but desperately wanting to let it out…I created this blog with the intention of quieting the voices in my head. To get the hamster off the wheel….In the end, I decided to go with what my spirit was craving. A release of emotion…so here it goes.

Last week was the absolute hardest week I’ve had to endure to date.  It started Sunday night. My cell rings, I glance down to see it is my best friend, aka sister, H.  I smile, and say “Well hello!”….what I hear back leaves me spinning.

H’s sister, happens to have the same name as I do.  Hope.  She says, “Hope, it’s Hope.”…I feel confusion rush to my face, my eyebrows squish down around my nose…Did I just hear that right?  I glance back at my caller ID….It clearly says, H.  What the hell is going on, I think…Oh please God…please……Don’t let anything happened to H.  My heart races, it is now in my throat as I wait for an answer.  I can feel my throat pulsing…She pauses.  By now I’m sure something is wrong…..I want to scream…tell me damn it!…tell me what is wrong!….Then through her tears I hear her words.

I want to vomit….I want to un-hear….I cry out…”Oh my God….Oh my God….I don’t understand…Oh my God”….My husband overhears my cries. He bounds down the stairs two at time, rushing into the kitchen.  I’m bent over, hand to my head, tears in my eyes…I see him searching my face for answers…I cover the phone  barely able to whisper what I’ve just heard.  He sinks…Slumps against the counter….

My H has lost the love of her life….Her husband, the father of her 4 children, has passed…and the world has stopped.

Every second of what follows is heart wrenching.  I fly to Indiana to be by H’s side; to help fill in the gaps where I can. Yet I’m lost. I don’t know where to start, what to do, what to say….

I.feel.utterly.powerless.

Nothing I say, nothing I can do, will turn back the clock to happier days….I glance around to the family and friends rallied to support H and the children.  She has a full house.  We are strangers, connected only by the love we share for the family….We all have the same look…With tears and mourning in our eyes, we nod with the acceptance that we are all here for the same reason…We tread lightly around each other, carefully acknowledging that we are ill equipped to navigate this bleak road of heartbreak and loss. When our eyes meet, there is unspoken realization that it will take all of us… ALL of our love, to pull them through.

By mid-week, I realized my vocabulary, the English language in general, simply does not have words that can express the sorrow in this house.  H’s sobs are from the pit of her being. They are heavy, deep, uncontrolled. I listen sympathetically. We hug gently. Patting her knee…knowing that we are helpless and hating that we are.  We can only be present…chest deep, wading through the muddy anguish with her and the children.

I want to medicate H and put her in a box for 10 years…only taking her out when the pain has stopped and the coast is clear.  But I know this pain will be part of the healing process….

I know she has to walk through this…and so I offer to hold her hand.

Please keep H’s family in your prayers.

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**Rest in peace Mark. You were a good husband, awesome daddy and a hard working provider. A genuine man with a broad smile, and a chuckle when you least expected it. I hope when you look down from heaven you see all of the love.  May your angel wings be big, bright and beautiful.  **

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